.

WEEEK 12 - TINY CHURCH & ARMY BASE BINGO

2005-08-26T21:20:00.000-04:00

the day began with a plan that was changed as we were on our way out the door cause I was tired, but it still ended up at least a little bit wacky.

we set out on the road in search of the smallest church in America, lucky for us it was the first church we arrived at. its a little south of savannah on 95. this thing is no joke small. it has chairs for 8 people and a podium for a preacher. I don't think there's an actual congregation of 8 that gathers there, but they could. everything you need for a proper church service is there. bibles, hymn books, all the regular Christian paraphernalia. We signed the guest book and the prayer book. I wrote in the prayer book, "dear god, please bless Wednesdays" we'll see if the big skipper follows through. we explored the lil chez de haysoos and found some funny post cards and such, some of some recently dearly departed, one of the new pope, etc etc unfortunately nothing very wacky. But there was holy water available in a gloriusly ornate chalis, a chalis more appropriate to hand to a passing bike racer in need of some holy training wheels than for a babtism or blessing of some sort. There was a donation box on the side of the pulpit graced with a warning to all those would would dare to steal money that rightfully belongs to our lord and savior "please stop cutting this lock, if you steal from here you steal from the Christ". As not to upset the all knowest christman I made a donation of 7 cents for our brief stay. outside there's a small creek with a bunch of frogs, I tried unsuccessfully to catch one, I dunno what kinda frogs those were but they jumped far as hell and were fast, in addition to the frogs the area was also infested with mosquitoes that Alex was of course again ravaged by. We took a couple of pictures with Jesus, I rang the church bell and were blew that Jesus stand.

Our next stop, Bingo, not just any bingo, ARMY BASE BINGO. A brief search on the interweb clued us into the fact that there is bingo 7 days a week 5 til midnight at Hunter Army Airfield. indeed. when we arrive at the base we were immediately met with an MP that asked for our ids, then told us to go up to the next little building to confirm with them that these were indeed IDs. we drive up to it only to be accosted for driving up to it. A long situation of wrangling IDs, car insurance, registrations, etc we get our day pass from our cuddly military police friends. I was glad that was over with, I really felt like I was going to get arrested for some reason, the mood at the gates was definitely a serious one, I was totally having flashbacks to getting arrested and remembering how bad sitting in a shitty holding cell sucks.. we get a map to the bingo place and make it there along the 10mph roads winding past office after strangely labeled office and ridiculously bland buildings, past fences, hangars, and uniformed folks doing unspecified tasks. there wasn't really very many people there, probably because they're all doin some kinda war thing in the Iraq or whatever. finally we find the bingo building, and much to my surprise it wasn't just a building that bingo was being held in, it was an actual bingo specific building with a neon sign and everything. we were greeted by a friendly black lady who attempted to explain to us the type of mechanical bingo that was goin on at the moment. POWER TOUCH lightning bingo. I really still don't understand the games even after playing it, but she went over and over it with us repeating herself several times and giving us a sheet to read. I was defiantly left thinking, "are you sure this is bingo? I don't want to go to Iraq" but anyways were in, its a sortve ballroom (that you're allowed to smoke in) and these machines are attached to the table. this is definitely different than regular bingo, you don't really get a BINGO you have to match certain darkened squares. we paid 10 bucks each, that's your buy in, and that's what you have to wager with. its really just gambling, which I thought was illegal in ga, but I guess on govt property its ok, if you have bombs you can do whatever you want. I won one of the first games and got a taste of success and was instantly addicted. I have a history of video game based addiction in my past which we don't really need to go into but in any case we played and played. we slowly wore down our reserves to 0 as we folded to the old bags who were playing lots of cards at once. I decided I was gonna go in again and try and make some big bucks, daddy needs a new black t-shirt. I bought another 10 bucks worth of credit to wager with which I quickly depleted until the last hand when I recovered my second 10 bucks plus $1.40, I won about 4 times or so over the whole playing, alex coming in at a quaint 0 wins. so I guess I am the victor at bingo coming it at a cool -$8.60 and alex at -$10.00. Im not really going to rub this one in dudes face cause it is completely ridiculous. its like slots except youre taking your opponents money. on our way out we didnt really use the map, and we ended up taking a really extended tour of the base which i will illustrate using the map below. but we drove around aimlessly for a good long while, winding around through the desolate complex through construction sites and passing many a restricted permission only sites. I wanted to stop and find out where the ufos are but we found the exit soon enough. we waved to an apathetic mp gate gaurd who gave us a pretty intense 'i could care less if youre waving at me right now' look to bid us a fond adeui

the way in to bingo..

the way out from bingo..

and please, don't forget..

WEEK 11 - SENIOR LUNCH, WILD ANIMALS, WATER TASTE TEST

2005-08-23T08:40:00.000-04:00

whew, sorry for the late update, but we've been busy so here we go.

we decided a hearty lunch might be the way to begin a jam packed wednesday and where else can you get exactly the food you want than a cafeteria. S & S Cafeteria smells like ointment upon entering, likely due to the steady flow of over 80 customers. there's nothing like a good early bird deal. so we roll up to the line and marvel at the amazing selection of good eats, all of which look sort of the same. just a bunch of low country grub with gravy all over it. while pondering our choices, the store manager comes over and hassles tadd about his camera, thinking he may work with a competing cafeteria. tadd politely responded that he did not work for or plan to work any such establishment. satisfied, the manager left and we continued deciding on what slop to order. we make our selections of beef stew + sides and chop steak + sides and mosey to our fake leather booth. now this place is odd. the main seating area looks like a cheap hotel lobby with giant silk plants, huge unnecessary columns and mid '80s wallpaper and artwork. they also have a funny little "kid corner" where presumably grandparents can send their grandkids while they're visiting with friends and neighbors. damn grandkids. we finish and go to pay where the cashier is barricaded near the exit. it's set up like a bank teller with money slot and talking through plexiglass with a tiny hole in it. weird. they also have a bunch of security cameras; i can't imagine this place getting robbed that often, so i'm thinking some folks go a little crazy over the lunchtime specials and will fight tooth and nail to get the last scoop of mac 'n cheese.

our appetites somewhat fulfilled, we head out to oatland to hang out with nature. this place is little preserve out toward the islands near here with random animals in netted areas for people to hang out with. after we register and pay (thanks tadd!) and put on our official "visitor" tags, we step outside and chill with some owls for a minute and then onto the path and begin with the avian area. owls are so weird looking, i almost think they shouldnt be birds in the same way bats arent birds. they just look so...i dont know, bizarre. anyways, the avian area basically means pelicans and sea gulls. the other birds listed were MIA, maybe they got out or something. the pelicans just stared at us as they ate rotting fish and the sea gulls were boring, probably not sure why they were standing in mud and not on a beach. i was confused at least. and just for the record pelicans are weird looking also, i don't understand them.

we exit and follow the path toward the florida panther. let me remind everyone in case you havent noticed from our bitching each week, but it's HOT in georgia this time of year. which makes us a ton of fun, and more importantly, it made the animals way fun too. the one panther we saw just laid there, panting desperately the whole time. it was too hot and tired to care that we were shouting "HEY PANTHER! YOU! GET OVER HERE!" so not only did the panther not respond but it only served to make us sweatier. onto the bobcats. the trail winds out into this marsh as it makes its way to the rest of the preserve and has this funny little expanded boardwalk area. what better place to break dance our cares away?

the bobcat was just as exciting as the panther. yawn. i dont think we even got a good picture of it. so we just kept going toward the fox pen. tadd affectionately describes foxes as "cat-dogs" and all i can think of was that weird show on nickelodeon with that half cat half dog thing. what was that show called? anyhow, i like foxes. they look so neat i wish they were domesticated. but they also suffered from the extreme heat and were thusly also extreme fun. onward to the predatory birds. here they have hawks and big owls and stuff but the most exciting birds were the bald eagles. we heard them yelling and cawing as we walked up the path but they hushed up when we approached. as you might expect, they continued their chorus after we left. but they were pretty sweet. i had never seen one in real life before. i have also never seen a bigfoot in real life before, but i spotted what looked to be a patch of bigfoot hair snagged on the boardwalk. tadd was not convinced. i've seen "harry and the hendersons" on more than on occassion to know what bigfoot hair looks like.

we pass by the deer quickly 'cause we've all hit one with our cars before...vetoed...and make our way to the bear. i didnt catch what kind of bear it was, but it looked to be young and also suffering in the heat. but at least it moved and made our animal quest a bit more fun. but what tadd had the most fun with were the wolves. they were laying around all sunburned out and tadd starts hollering and running along the pen area and what began with two visible wolves turned to seven or so as they followed tadd along the siding. one whimpered which tadd took as a sign it wanted to play, but i think it was whimpering because tadd was out of mauling range. we continue past the buffalo sort of quickly, tired and not incredibly impressed and end up at the main building.

we decide to just leave but on the way out find the barnyard area and i pull off the road and we run over. just in time actually because it turned out to be feeding time! a pretty nice lady, or at the very least tolerant of us, showed up with a bag of grapes and other random mush for the pigs. we fed the grapes to a donkey and some goats while the sheep and cow just hung out. tadd lost his craving for meat after sharing a moment with the cow but then lost his love when he realized the cow made his hands completely filthy. we ventured around and hassled this funny vietnamese potbellied pig that squealed when you talked to it. it was sleeping when we approached so i think it was just yelling at us to leave with every taunt we hurled at it. it was almost like conversation, "hey pig" "SQUUEEEE" "whoa" "SQUEEEEEE" "chill out pig" "SQUEEEEEEEEEE." but man this pig was huge and wrinkly and ugly. i loved it. the other pig they had was grumpy's complete opposite in that it was the tiniest pig ive ever seen, but was warned by the sign on its little hut that it bites. the feeding lady gave the pig his slop and we got taunted by some turkey's. after seeing the bald eagle, i have no idea why ben franklin thought the turkey was cooler. goddam fool.

finally we leave, sweaty and tired and stop to get some drinks. drinking his evian tadd swears he can taste the difference between evian and every other water. i call bullshit on him because IT'S WATER. no ingredients, nothing, just water. i suppose how it's purified can affect taste but whatever, its negligible. so to test our abilities we purchase five different brands of bottled water and set up a blind taste test at our apartment. we do a quick sampling and i pour five cups of water for the test. tadd begins, sipping and swishing and trying to decide from evian, dasani, saratoga springs, fiji, and springtime. booyah! he doesnt get the evian and i'm satisfied. he did get one correct and each successive attempt he got another water until all five we chosen. my turn. i do my tasting, and take some time in making my choices because i'm less confident in my proficiency to distinguish between a single ingredient beverage. so i get them all wrong. bah! second try, nailed 'em. wasn't easy and i'm going to hand some credit to dumb luck that i got them.

the end.

FREE FINGER ACCESSORIES

2005-08-13T16:39:00.000-04:00

As is becoming tradition, I will now offer up for our beautiful readers any of the stuff we won at the arcade.

choose any combination of finger traps, jelly rings, and prosthetic finger tips with red nails, your gift will be accompanied by a letter of encouragment signed by your faithfuly wacky servants.

*WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!*

just email one of us with your address and we'll send it out asap.

Tadd@newdesignfront.com or Alex@superassociates.net

WEEK 10 - GO KARTS, ROCK CLIMBING, SUPER SLIDE, EURO BUNGEE, BATTING CAGES AND SCUPPERNONGS.

2005-08-13T16:10:00.000-04:00

first off an apology is in order for the unexpected lack of wackiness last week. competing schedules, and a bunch of work made for a day completely uncondusive for wacky times. and also this one is kinda late cause I haven't had time enough to write it, but at any rate, here we go.

The day started off easy enough with a roommate feud from room to room over instant messenger. Issues discussed included, toilet paper purchasing, house cleaning, dirty dishes, and girlfriend/broham time management skills. Our nonconfrontational confrontation was resolved well enough to get the day underway. On a side note, we saw at the stop at the bank on the way out we saw the smallest car Ive personally ever seen, anyways. We had decided to go to the beaufort fun park. Its a little tiny like recreational place type thing, its got a bunch of stuff to do but its all geared towards really young kids and good wholesome families. So yeah, we fit right in. We enter through the arcade and immediately we realize after approaching the counter, that Alex forgot the 2 for 1 tickets we printed off their website, we were denied even after pleading our case, so this will be a full priced affair, fortunately the most expensive thing you can do here is $5.50.

Activity one: go karts. We are nearly alone at this place, but when we get over to go karts we had to wait through a couple of little kids racing on the track cause the big kids aka me and Alex aka grown men, cant race in the big kid cars with the little kid cars. Finally its our turn. Alex beats me at a round of roshambo as his scissors slice my paper with ease and he earns the right to the car in front. He leads the race for at least the first half of our laps around, then I take the inside and lead for the last half and Alex spend the rest of the race attempting Georgia highway patrol brand pit maneuvers on my car and just generally bashing me around to the dismay of the track employees that included a fat sweaty child molester type dude. At any rate I get the checker flag, and hive decided to keep score this Wednesday so ill give myself one point.

Activity two: batting cages. There isn't much to say about this one. Small helmets, short bats, 50 mph balls. I hit more than Alex did so I'll give myself another point.

Activity three: euro bungee. This thing is kinda weird, its 2 long fiberglass twigs that attach to straps that in turn attach to a crotch scrunching harness. And you just basically jump up and down on an inflatable trampoline thing and it sends you flying up in the air. I unfortunately wasn’t able to do this one cause they said I was too fat. Motherfuckers. 5 minutes of crotch scrunching, uncomfortable laughter, Alex falling off the trampoline at the end, and a story about how the fiberglass twigs once snapped and nearly killed 2 people knocking one unconsious, and Alex has earned the only uncontested point of the day. But on my girth's behalf I will also grant a point to the McDonald's® Dollar Menu™.

Activity Four: Rock climbing. They have one of these portable rock walls set up there, and I was on the weight limit for this one as well, but the lady said she’d let me anyways, thanks lady. We get set and decide to race up the thing. We get our crotches smushed into harnesses again and we’re off to the races. It was going well until I got about half way up and realized I didn’t have anything bigger than a grape to grab onto with my left hand and I just kinda hung out there for a bit until Alex got to the top. So another point to Alex for getting to the top first, but I will give myself a point also for being the first to the ground. My fingers still trembling with stress of holding up my apparently ginormous self it was off to the next activity.

Activity five: super slide. The super slide is this huge inflatable slide thing. It was now I realized that nearly everything in this bumblefuck park was either inflatable or portable in someway. Anyways we go up and do the slide. You’ll notice that in the first picture unbeknownst to Alex, I am about a second away from shoving him across the slide into the corner where he met with stagnant stinking water from rain from weeks previous that left him with wet pants and feets. The second time we went down Alex went down kinda feet firstish and rolled down the bottom part, on suggestion from the lady working the slide, I go down head first on my back, and at the first bump I get tossed and basically give myself a powerbomb at the bottom part and I go flailing down the rest of it. Point to Me due to Alex’s wet jeans. Alex then relieved himself of his socks and we began the homestretch.

Activity Six: ticket time. We went back into the arcade and some of you might or might not know that me and Alex are somewhat expert at ticket procuring arcade games. We played some ski ball, wheel of tickets, alien ball mouth thing and a bunch of other stuff. One in particular I saw Alex playing was thing one where you put a token in and it drops a bouncy ball down onto a moving wheel with holes in it, the holes are labeled with numbers that correspond to the number of tickets you get. I got a 50 and several 25s, Alex got a one and a five, and a one. Point to me for having the highest GTP (gross ticket product). Before we cashed in our tickets we had our picture done in a little stand up photo booth thing where it tricks you into thinking that a shitty black and white print out is actually a sketch of you done by a renaissance master, I think we chose Raphael, but I cant really remember. The picture came out bad, you can see me pretty good but Alex is but a ghostly shell of himself. Point to me for not being a vampire. We then traded in our 275 tickets for 6 Chinese finger traps, a shitload of jelly rings, and 2 plastic prosthetic fingertips with red painted fingernails. We said our byes to the high school ladies that had been escorting us through our family style fun and exited.

On the way home I decided I wanted to stop at one of those roadside melon stands so we did just that. I bought a bag of scuppernongs which I promptly spilled all over the ground 3 seconds post-purchase, and a cantaloupe. Point to me for buying scuppernongs from a weird black guy on the side of the road.

That’s about it for this week. Here are the final standings,*I have deducted one point from Alex's total for forgetting the coupons.

Alex: 1
tadd: 7
McDonald's® Dollar Menu™: 1

WANT OUR WOOD?

2005-07-29T15:30:00.000-04:00

If anyone is interested, we will send you one of our many broken kung fu woods complete with a personalized note thanking you for your interest in Wacky Wednesdays™. All you have to do to get one is send an email with your address to:

Tadd@newdesignfront.com or Alex@superassociates.net

WEEK 8 - WATER PARK & KUNG FU WOOD CHOPS

2005-07-28T18:30:00.000-04:00

with somewhat matching wal-mart swimsuits and tank tops, we began the sweltering heat of week eight with a trip Statesboro's only attraction, Splash in the Boro. this place is a tiny ass water park, that looks like it used to be a community pool. why someone decided to place a water park in the middle of nowhere is a mystery to me, but we gave it a shot. we arrive early afternoon, pay admission and stroll in find this place is packed. whining kids, sunburnt hicks, indifferent lifeguards, and us. one father/son pairing of inspiration was tanning as we passed, where tadd noticed that pops had a single nipple pierced on 300+ pound frame. we get a locker and hit the trusty lazy river portion of the park, make a couple passes splashing like babies and decide to check out the three tiny water slides have. wait. the locker key is missing. DAMMIT. at some point during the tame river float the key drops out of my pocket. im all pissed because now we have to pay to have the locker opened and all our shit is in there including wallets and camera. also trapped in our locker was the high powered spf 50 sunblock we brought for our delicate skin. genius. man i was pissed. so i snapped tadd in the back with my wet tank top. i felt a little better, though tadd didnt share my relief. so figuring if we couldnt find the key, no one else would, thus our stuff is still safe, even from ourselves.

we get in line for the tube slide, expectations pretty low. but damn, that was fun. its pretty basic, you sit in an inner-tube, the guard blankly blurts "go" and you shove off, but swirling in a tube is so fun for some reason. someone explain it to me. seeing as how we both had a ton of fun, we decide to get the two person tube hit it again. after navigating the line again, we reach the top and start down again, tadd starts flailing and kicking me in the head trying to get us flying up the sides. we get so high in fact that maybe near halfway down i fly out and am getting pushed down the remainder of the slide by tadd captaining the tube alone. we failed to obtain a waterproof camera, so visual evidence of the fun is lacking, but trust us. the other two slides we lame. they were not nearly as fast and just sorta boring and short. i dunno. i dont even feel like writing about them. disappointing. we check out the pool portion of the park and have dive contests with little kids. during one such challenge, a seven year old asked if the pool was too deep for me. i proved to her i could make it, with minimal effects of the bends but lost a contact in the process. damn her. i was getting bored, but i think tadd was having fun poking through the lanes, reminiscing about his ole' swim team days.

around this time we checked back in with the gift shop and thank god some redneck samaritan found our key and turned it in. so to celebrate we cruised to the snack stand, which was also flooded with people. some nice old lady let us sit with her while she yelled hello to her grandkids. RAAACHELLLL! WHERES YOUR BROTHER? i would also like to mention the food was terrible.

at the entrance

the key was in there somewhere

giant water bucket thingy

lady we ate with

delicious statesboro food

we gathered our shit and pained our way back to the car with wails of how hot it was and that tadd was getting what he called "steak feet" because of the burning pavement.

we get home and after a brief rest we began our tae kwon do training with master jerry. master jerry shows up with his 70lb punching bag to prep us for the goal of breaking wood with our bare hands and feet. we show up in the the only martial arts gear we can muster up.

master jerry runs through the proper form in executing the maneuvers we'll be attempting, and also gave us some quick self-defense pointers should we ever need to throw someone out of a bar, or prevent ourselves from being thrown out. in the midst of our punching and "hee-yah"-ing we find a human turd and dead pigeon in the back yard where we've been practicing. thanks to our chi channeling, we successfully learned to ignore the foul aroma and focus on our goal. CHOP KICK PUNCH. we decide we're ready, walk out to the front where it's flat and go all out on wood busting. master jerry and tadd's sister hold the wood for us and snap snap snap each board busted on the first try, minus two. on one tadd grazed the top of the board attempting a flying front kick and i got stopped cold doing a knife chop on smaller, leftover piece of board. in the end we turned six pieces of wood into about twenty. the awesome thing was that master jerry did so well in preparing us that when attacking the wood, we sustained no bruises or pain after the fact. kung fu rules! i think the only injury suffered was a small scratch tadd got from a bit of splintered wood. the order of wood busting went something like this:

ALEX: elbow
TADD: elbow
ALEX: side kick
TADD: jump side kick
ALEX: knife chop
TADD: jump front kick
ALEX: jump front kick
TADD: knee

AWESOME ACTION SHOTS:

LUMBER MASSACRE!!!!!!

tadd's ultimate goal is to chop someone in the neck with a crescent kick. let's hope it's not me.

WEEK 7 - COW MILKING & TEST DRIVES

2005-07-21T01:00:00.000-04:00

this Wednesday started without a plan, a few of our options were weighed and we decided to start with milking a cow, and we would go from there. I happened to have happened on a local farm with some cows a couple of weeks ago when I got lost taking a back way to Wal-Mart and I recognized it from years earlier when I took a picture of a cow for a school project, what that project was escapes me, but I digress. Were on a milking mission, but could I remember the way to the farm? of course not. We got lost and meandered around the weird hidden west side of savannah for 30 minutes or so before we decided to use our phone a friend lifeline. Alex went with Dave. We called Dave up north and got him to map quest us directions, and found that I was actually on the right road, just going the wrong way.

we get to the farm, we hop out hollering hellos through the empty farm buildings and pastures but the only response was a few strange MOOs. Not to be deterred we located an adjacent building at the other end of the pasture. We drive over and find that its not just one building, its a confusing set of buildings something akin to a strange compound of sorts. Upon further inspection its some sortve plantation home for boys. I don't really understand what it is still but that's what it was. We went into the "education center" and knocked on the first available office. We were presented with a really normal looking 30 something secretary type lady who affirmed that the "home" owned the cows but also gave us some unfortunate information. These are beef cows, and they don't milk them, and no one was available to show us around. Feeling kindve embarrassed I tried to explain were just a couple of dudes that do dumb things on Wednesdays and I was met with a flatly confused and uninterested face with no response other than a slight head tilt. exit stage right.

We still hadn't decided what to do so we went back over to play with the cows. We tried to razz them a little bit, specifically I tried some of what I thought were farm-esque hollering techniques that had absolutely no effect on these cattle at all. Then I tried throwing pine cones, which also bounced off the walking jerky to no effect. Its really strange when there are 10 large animals starring directly at you and one just pees and poops while never even slightly averting its dead aimed animal-gaze at all. And, its not even like a regular pee like a person or a dog, but more like you were just dumping out a pitcher of piss on to the ground. weird. We did however find that some of the less hesitant cows would ignore the warning moos of the others, if we yanked up a large handfuls of tall grass on the other side of the fence and shake they would come over and eat out of our hands. We fed a few cows, tried to trick a few more to come over, but slowly they realized this was not some sortve special farm hand treat we were providing but instead the exact same grass they were already chomping on inside their wooden planked prison. I did actually get licked by a cow at one point, it sorta felt like a giant person tongue. We did the same thing to a horse which heeded our calls of "heeeyaaa" and fake treats faster, but also figured out our deceptive stratagem even faster than the cows did and returned to his ignoring people life by the far side of the fence. There were some bulls around that however completely ignored our handful-o'-weeds proposal. conclusion: cows are boring.

We drove around semi aimlessly for awhile and discussed what we should do, then was hatched the plan to test drive a bunch of cars. And let me say this before I begin this part, it is really hard to convince a salesman that you're going to buy a car while you're sweaty and stinking like manure from walking around on a farm all morning, it just doesn't say "potential sale."

First car, Hummer H2. This one went hook line and sinker, easy as pie. We went in, asked for a brochure, procured some false "I'm so interested" faces and we had a salesman helping us in no time. Alex bullshitted a story about his parents buying him a car of any value as a graduation present, and just like that we were the proud new owners of the keys to a 06 H2. Dude said take it around the block. We went to Eckerd and took pictures. I will say, I am usually a big-time amer-I-CAN but I will say I felt like a complete dickhead in that car. its enormous. You are definitely the biggest dick in the pool driving one of these fuckers. Car returned, card got from the salesman so he didn't feel like he was wasting his time, and we were off to the next "whip."

Alex's tough hummer face..

my not so tough hummer face..

hummers are so fucking nessasary..

Alex parking.. maybe its cause its a tank, maybe its cause hes from florida..

The Chevy SSR was on our list. Its a weird car/truck/convertible/hardtop thing.

I asked a salesman if I could drive it and he said "haha can you afford it boy" (boy added to improve the dickhead good ole boy aspect of this mans personality) I said yes, when of course the answer was no but what the fuck does he know, and he didn't even move from his lawn chair outside his glorified trailer of a showroom. he said he would have to check with the manager etc etc they didn't want to put miles on it etc etc, its just funny that he would expect someone to buy a car without driving it. dumbass redneck. this ruined my buzz for a little bit. I even tried calling a manager to tell on them for being jerks but I kept getting the same salesman and hanging up on him. My motivation to continue didn't improve until i realized I had our theme song on a cd in the car, few times through and i was back ready for more.

We then went to a Volkswagen dealership and Alex with his minimal bullshit technique got the keys to a silly little convertible beetle. Drove that one around for a bit, that's a funny little car..

I think the inner gay in both of us dug it, just a fun silly ride, and that was pretty much that. Alex ended up having to give the guy his phone number and personal info and is definitely expecting a follow up call in the next few days even though he told the guy he's "not that close to buying" which is true considering he just got his new aveo less than a year ago, but its also a lie.

Off to the dodge dealership. I wanted to drive a magnum.

This is that badboy station wagon thing. I did a lot of bullshitting and in the end didn't even get to drive it, the 21 year old salesman drove it. he did however do some peel outs for us, and slammed on the gas to show us the power of a 341hp v8 in this man-wagon. He even cranked up some country to show me the sound system. If I was buying a new car I would honestly probably try to get one of these. I asked about driving the viper they had on the lot, and I was denied. Would you let sweaty shit stinking Tadd drive your 80 thousand dollar race car? me neither. My mom won't even let me drive her BMW. Bitch.

At this point I was feeling sortve dirty from telling 50 lies in an hour to these unsuspecting salesmen, but then I remembered what asses those guys at the Chevy dealership were, and just how shiesty these guys are in general, so again, I was fueled for more. Off to the Caddy dealer.

I full on convinced this guy I was going to buy an escalade, why not I'm hip and urban, and wingman Alex in his size XL BEAT SOUTH! shirt is the picture of money in the dirty. I had to really convince this guy I was going to buy something, before he gave me the keys. and He didn't just let me have the keys he rode with us, in the back. Damnit.

Why do I suck at getting unescorted test drives, and why is Alex genius at it. I have no idea. I apparently seem less trustworthy with an expensive automobile than Alex does. My mother was right. We got back and while feigning more interest in the ride, mr. salesman apparently flashed alex some skin while adjusting his outfit. he completely untucked his shirt and pulled out his pants, at which point alex claims to have experienced dealer flab. apparently for this salesman, wednesdays are "without underpants wednesdays." sexytimes indeed. A personal note to this man: We respect the ends that you will go to sell us an expensive rap-mobile and your commitment and dedication to your craft even when your methods of persuasion includes a money shot of your old man inner thigh. Big up dog.

This is getting boring to write so this will be shorter. I drive a 00' limited 4runner and I used to drive a '94, so I figure my best bet is to go to a Toyota dealership and drive a new 4runner, but again I fail at getting us on the road sans a chaperone even with my buyer loyalty on my side. motherfuckers, I lose.

Even while I was feeling a personal lack of accomplishment, we decide to go over to Sari's work at the working class studio where they're having some kindve a weird bbq and there's a graffiti artist David Ellis painting one of the old trucks that scad uses to haul around paintings and other crap.

He's painting it from 5am to 9pm everyday all week, and they're doing some kindve weird time lapse videoing of it. I guess its good but I really don't have a reference point on graffiti art other than a felony arrest for tagging a street sign when I was 17, so who's to say, it didn't look like much to me.

the charges were later reduced.

PICTURES

2005-07-16T22:56:00.000-04:00

If any of you would like, if you send us an email or comment with your address, we will send you a wallet size walmart picture of us, with a personalized message of congratulations you may or may not understand.

"Tammy, it was nice visiting with you at the parade"

feel free to direct inquires to:

Tadd@newdesignfront.com or Alex@superassociates.net

EDIT***
Thurs the 21st, 5 requests going into the mail. i think that is hilarious.

WEEK 6 - HIPPIE HOSTEL & THEME SONG

2005-07-14T19:24:00.000-04:00

For week six, we drove 80 miles south to brunswick to a hostel we were actually asked not to name, because the hippies want to keep it secret, but basically its a (www.) HOSTEL IN THE FOREST(.org) since we arrived so late last night, we were given an abbreviated tour in virtual darkness, which really means we saw nothing. Our guide was a 32 year-old dude from san fran who wanted an escape and was assisted by a young lady who in true hippie form, rejected undergarments of any kind. Our cabin, "The Peacock House", had two wood walls and two screen walls, uncomfortable plastic mattresses, and a number of insect tenants, including a moth that earned a death sentence by attempting to relocate his residence to behind tadd's glasses. And it was sweltering, this was no joke hot. 100° and humid. (the humid part probably had something with it being set in a swamp which we didnt realize until morning.) pretty exciting.

nevertheless, we ventured out into the darkness with hopes of canoeing in the middle of the night. we went up the trail to the lake, squealing like little girls at any and all animal noises/insect rustling. we finally found the lake, and after i decided to step into a pretty large ant hill, we prepped the canoe for a voyage. with only a mini maglite to guide us, we shipped off into the black and realized nature is no fun, and frankly plain scary in the dark.

so we paddled back to shore, ran back to the...camp or huts or trash heaps, whatever and conversed with the local tree-folk. this discussion ranged from hippie festivals, to bmx bike accidents, to lesbians, to feet. They gave us leftover blue berry pie as we talked about hippie life and they bummed cigarettes from Tadd.

sleeping was also awesome with the many roaches and high heat keeping us awake. well actually keeping tadd awake, strangely enough i fell asleep pretty fast. well not even strangely, those who know me can attest to the fact that i can sleep anywhere, anytime. so while i indulged in my talents, tadd stayed up, too cranky, sweaty and scared of a repeat kamikaze moth attack to sleep.

we awoke to rooster calls and mosquitos and more heat. this is when tadd banged his head on the top of the door frame no less than 3 times in about 45 seconds, fortunately the doorframe was exactly my height so I could provide him with an optical illusion of safety. after I munched on a community breakfast..

we decided to try canoeing again. nature looks much less frightening in the daylight. So we rowed out there and tied up to their floating dock and jumped in the lake swam around, splashed and got bored. The good thing about the lake though, we got a brief respite from the hordes of mosquitos gnawing on us. Im serious, hundreds, thousands of mosquitos on every inch of this hostel completely bent on human destruction. Annoying. But we did find a weird rope swing on a trail where we chilled out for a bit and for some reason we spontaneously sang the theme song to cheers, and was born the second half of this wednesday that will be explained after the hostel story.

when we got back, we chased chickens and i mistakingly asked if we could help out in any way with the daily chores. we were handed rakes and told to get the leaves off the sand pathways. good one. after being handed the rakes i looked at tadd and asked "are you mad at me?" but before the words even came out of my mouth he had replied with "yes"

After twenty minutes and 1500 bug bites, we bailed and ran off to the spring-fed pool (otherwise known as a rectangle lake) where we took full advantage of the rope swing. that shits not easy. at one point some little kid, i dunno maybe seven or eight years old, ran up to me and yelled, "throw me in the pool! but not hard!' of course i obliged him. i think he had a bunch of bites or was developing rash of some kind. after more ridiculous splashings and rope swing attempts, we decided our time was up at the hostel.

but before we left i tried out their open air shower, which is basically, half a room with a bead door and the shower part opened up with the forest behind you. i took an abbreviated shower with my trunks on in case someone walked by or came in thinking the shower available. afterward i figured i was being ridiculous and started to change in there when miss-no-underroos-hippie showed up and saw my ass. dammit.

let me whine once more about how many mosquitos there were...look at my back, evidence! tadd is immune to mosquitos because of strict diet of onions, jalapenos, hot sauce and garlic. curse my sweet tooth!

oh i almost forgot, on the way there, we stopped at a mcdonald's/gas station, where the clerk was arguing with a mcdonald's employee and shouted, "yeah? i'll fuck you in the ass!" then turned to us and rung up our purchases. to add to the bizarre roadside oasis, there was a strange older man with seriously, some kind of brace or cast or bandage on every joint and a sock tied around his head, demanding ice cream. gotta love gramps.

also. a theme song for Wacky Wednesdays™ has been recorded. Tadd is some kindve a music dude, and ran with the idea. We sortve co-opted a theme you might be familar with, but whatever. Tadd made the music and took the lead on the vocals, but I gave an allstar performance on the duet chorus. I am not exactly a vocal virtuoso, and was a bit nervous about singing somewhere that wasn't in my car, alone, but i think it came out pretty funny/good.

take a listen HERE

and always remember...

WEEK 5 - THE 100 CLUB

2005-07-07T20:33:00.000-04:00

not letting distance keep us apart, this week's wacky wednesday went forward even though tadd is out of town, doin' some shit, i dunno. anyways, we each did 100 jumps...i jumped into 100 different bushes. i'll let tadd discuss his adventures, wherever he may be. sari, our stylist from last week, accompanied me on the quest to reach 100 bush jumps, though declined to be photographed. she dressed the part though, incognito in all black, while i sported, well, yeah a brown tank top, and by the end of the night, a number of scrapes and scratches. after one leap, while struggling to get out of my foliage prison, i tripped over a strange brown duffel bag...drugs? money? body parts? we may never know since sari and i forgot to go back for it. we left because there was a creepy gentleman staring at us from about 100 yards away - give or take 95 yards, i didnt have my glasses on. i got scared and wanted to leave. and a couple bushes tried to sodomize me i think. jerks. BUSHED!

EDIT! tonight sari and i went back to the site of the mysterious bag bush, along with ashley who had its contents pegged all along. the bag in question turned out to be a piss-smelling bum closet. oh well. better luck next time.

click here for a few choice leaps.

and for those of you worried about me bruising my god given gifts of beauty and common sense, i have retired the bush jump as of week 5 of wacky wednesday. buy me a drink tonight, my ass hurts.

ps - tadd is MIA up to this point. i hope he didnt drown. and it's also awesome how my hair is different in each post.
___________

BEGIN TADDS 100 CLUB MEMBERSHIP

well im not MIA anymore, so here we go. I was in The A for a few days at my parents house, and my 100 club membership application is 100 canonballs into my parents pool. I really thought this would be easy, it really wasnt. it took me like almost 3 hours and I think I pulled almost every muscle I own. So at any rate, Im back, and heres this.

challenge accepted.

WEEK 2 PART 2

2005-07-06T17:48:00.000-04:00

i know you've all been waiting anxiously for these: the week two wal-mart portraits. so sit back, enjoy, and have some spare shorts handy 'cause you may need 'em. please note picture four, where tadd lays down his best downsyndrome game. ladies and gents, your wacky wednesday trouble makers...

today's activities will be presented in a later post, sit tight.

WEEK 4 - FREE HAIRCUTS, LONG ASS DRIVE & WHITEWATER RAFTING

2005-07-01T05:08:00.000-04:00

midnight, me and Alex get haircuts by Sari. Sari is not a licensed hair-doer, but she pretends to be. Alex went first. He received some kindve a morriseyesque pompadour with the addition of a rattail, basically she didn't cut the top at all and made it short everywhere else, it was kindve a Jewish flattop type look. to quote Sari "he looks crazy I like it" this is not something that everyone might want to hear from their stylist. after nearly 2 hours of Sari cutting the sides and back of Alex's hair one hair at a time, Alex went home, and I was next. I had emailed Sari a picture of the haircut I wanted, but she forgot it. after shaving the back of my head leaving me with some strange brand of bowl cut, and a few snips here and there I pretty much fired her and cut the rest myself. it doesn't really look good, it doesn't really look horrible. its just the same but shorter and I no longer posses the power of a mullet. but aside from losing a little street cred at the local nascar bar, I didn't really care. I go home, its 230ish. sleep.

7:40 am. the day started as I was expecting. After finally falling asleep after yelling at my retarded cat all nite to stop fucking with everything in my room I woke to Alex yelling to me to wake up 20 minutes before we needed to get on the road. There was a third going with us to tame the river wild, Mike from week 2 who engaged in ear candling with us. I called him 10 times before he answered/woke up he said he would be ready so we got ready and left to go to his house to pick him up. we called 5 more times and he rewoke up spent 15 minutes gathering belongings and joined us in the car 20 minutes after we got to his house. So were on the road 45 minutes behind schedule and making reservations as were driving. Mike went immediately to sleep which will be discussed in a section entitled Mike: The Travel Douche. the drive was uneventful and boring most of the trip, aside from a stop at a gasstaion/arbys, a couple of times to pull over and reference map quest directions, realizing that Mike thought my name was TED, and a couple of calls to check directions with the rafting place that gave us little to no insight whatsoever as to which direction we should go. 6 and half hours after driving through 3 states through the smokys to the appalachian trail we arrived in the Nantahala National Forrest.

We checked in at a gift shop that sold everything from rebel flag pins to ceramic eagles to rainbow colored visors that read "spoiled rotten", so we checked in paid our money bought a waterproof camera and ventured down the road to the Carolina outfitters' whitewater rafting hub. where we traded in our dignity for tightly strapped "personal flotation devices" (named so because there is no guarantee that it will save your life so "life preserver" is inappropriate) and eye glasses straps. We were greeted by an out of breath yet enthusiastic fat girl with no bra on. I only mention this cause it was gross and we all noticed it. She introduced us to our guide. Robert.

Robert is a late 30s hippie complete with beard, bad teeth, long stringy hair, crazy eyes, a tongue ring?, a pair of sunglasses attached around his neck, and a pair of sunglasses on his hat. Robert gave us the instructions and basic rules for rafting. this is the point where me and Alex realized he's gay, a gay hippie. Too many hand motions, girlish giggling, etc. Alex said he had gay eyes, I thought he had a gay mouth, either way this guy is a homo and its obvious. Even after his stories about leaving his life with the phone company, divorcing his wife, and becoming a kayaker because chicks dig kayaks he is still gay. at any rate as were getting the instructions, mike is freaking out, he's never been rafting and is literally scared even after being told by several different people that 8year olds have braved these rapids he is still scared and is debating getting a helmet. But he decides to go it alone on our training via gay hippie and his new knowledge of the "whitewater swimmers position."

we put in somewhere along the river, we took a couple pictures, smoked a cigarette, let a couple of old guys go before us, mike took a nervous pee behind a river map, and then we were off as it starts to rain. the river is a a class2/3 which isnt that intense, but definitely still crazy enough for our mild mannered Wednesday fun. a few girly splash fights, pushing each other into the river and were full on into the 8.5 mile trip. before the trip mike bought a little container to keep his cigarettes dry with so he could carry them with us. and yes it kept them dry from the river, but if you have never seen a man try to light and smoke a cigarette while totally exposed to hard rain its a sight to see. he smoked for about 5 seconds before the rain turned his smoke into a mush stick and broke it in half. nice try. later I bummed a smoke from him and somehow after navigating some rapids and getting my whole body wet my smoke remained. Apparently I have some kindve an instinctual cigarette protection skill to be admired and envied by men of all ages.

at the end of the river is a small "waterfall" its a 7ft gradual but quick drop with some huge boulders in it. mike sitting in the back in the "captain" position was at that point our rudder and controlled the direction of our raft. he of course directed us directly to one of the big rocks at the falls. our boat stops for a second, and then the water whips our boat around as the front pivots on a rock and we go down backwards. this is where the people that rented out boat to us are taking pictures of their groups as they get to the falls and fuck up. this is also the point where you're supposed to get to the side park your boat and leave. we were supposed to stop at the #3 take out area. we didn't see it, so we crapped out on the other side of the river, cause like 10 yards down is a class 6 rapids, and unridable by raft. our guide guy said he did it in a raft and the dynamited rocks at the bottom ripped out the entire bottom of his raft. so we furiously paddle to the side and narrowly avoid death.

us fucking up:

Death:

on the ride back to the place robert was giving us restaurant advice and in midsentence he honked the horn at some people on the side of the road, said "underage titties" and picked up his previous sentence where he left off. maybe he's not gay, maybe he's a pedophile. One other thing we found out about river hippies, they like to break down activities by "class", as our river is a 2/3, he described hiking, mountain biking, and other things by class. after we changed in he smallest changing rooms ever we proceeded to a restaurant for some class 1 burgers.

as we look over local travel brochures from everything from "Santa land" that has train and jet boat rides to rock city and ruby falls, our meal was abruptly stopped at the moment our waitress asked, "everything taste ok?" Mike got the weirdest look on his face and spit out a French fry into a napkin. he asked the waitress if the cook shit in his French fries and we all had a shocked look on our faces, our waitress slowly backed away. I thought he was probably completely overreacting and being a bit of a jerk, he offered it to us to smell. I smelled it. It was literally the single most horrifying smell I have ever smelled. It smelled like a plate of hot garbage and crackhead diarrhea. It was really really just nasty. Our waitress came back, smelled it herself and let out a loud squeal and pulled the collar of her shirt over her nose in horror, she then went to retrieve her manager. Manager came out, smelled it, was equally horrified, and mike said he couldn't pay for that cause it was so disgusting, so she offered him a discount. A discount on a mouth full off shit, Mike said he wasn't going to pay for any of it, and she agreed. Mike said later "ill take the discount if you eat it" too bad it was an hour after the fact.

back on the highway, Alex drove for a few hours, mike slept. the whole time. We stopped to get gas, get snacks, and switch drivers, and mike never woke up. back on the highway, and Alex went to sleep. I pull us into savannah just before 3. and Wacky Wednesday was complete.

one last thing, earlier I mentioned Mike: The Travel Douche, Im sure most of us have had the fortune to take a long drive with someone like him, so I have made a visual presentation for you to draw your own conclusions from. enjoy.

Oh and Mike got fired from his job today, so big up to him.

WEEK 3 - FORTUNES TOLD & LAZER TAG

2005-06-22T21:48:00.000-04:00

to begin with, let me say that we may or may not have seen a dead body parked outside of courtneys house earlier, so the wacky wednesday involving a solved crime is in the works. or at the very least, us reporting a crime.

Forget madame bell. forget madame hope. the absurdly named soothsayer to let us down with less than divine offerings was sister powers.

after i got off work, tadd and i rode down to a tiny looking house, whos doormat greeted us with a warm and welcomed salutation to the season.

her house was tiny, though seemed enormous on the inside. I had the fortune to actually get my fortune from Mrs. Sister Powers,.

Tadd had his fortune read by the unnamed sister of Mrs. Sister Powers. We only got a couple of pictures, and no pictures of Tadd's lady because of the potential disruptions in energy it might cause. Key phrases include "don'a trus yer freends" and "undastan whut imma sayin to joo?" and to quote Tadd's fortune teller his "negative energy manifests itself in your daily life prevent forward progression, undastan? undastan?" wonderful. At the end of the sessions they tried to talk us into other multiple sessions of candle burnings for the purpose of spiritual healing priced to move at $50 a session. as we left she proudly waved the wad of money she ripped off from us in our face. as you can also see, she was a shy taller than mini-me, willow, or any other absurd looking tiny person of your choice.

determined not to have his hump day ruined, tadd sought advice from the wizard at star castle, but was equally vagued out and disappointed to learn his favorite color is green, which he is incapable of even recognizing due to color-blindness.

so we sat in the lap of a king.

tadd was however pleased to defeat me in a thrilling game of air hockey,

in which he narrowly won the match, and the hearts of onlooking female admirers. well, at least one anyways. All the excitement was capped off by two fast paced rounds of lazer tag in which our teams split victories.

my team consisted of three 8 to 12-year olds who did jack shit for storming the other base, heres 2 members of my team signing up.

and tadd shared the playing field with two tiny and very hard to see girls, mostly so because they were in dark clothes and were black. the first game though, the guy running the whole shebang was on their team to even up the numbers, but we got creamed so he sat out the next match. WARNING: DO NOT ENGAGE IN LAZER TAG TIMES IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY.

TODAY?

2005-06-22T00:20:00.000-04:00

ok so today Alex has to work and then fumble around his schedule so his Wednesdays are free for wackiness, but he gets off at 4. Heres the plan. 1. get our fortunes told at Madame Bell's psychic house on victory, (trivia: madam bell is actually dead, and theres a madam bell in atlanta over on cheshire bridge somewhere I got a reading at one time who is also dead. she was found in a 1ft deep reflecting pool by the ritz with her mercedez parked nearby and it was ruled a drowning, her fortune for me, riches, bitches, happiness, loves, and fame. crazy that everything i told her I wanted is going to come true. her fortune, drowned in crackhead urinal) 2. Attend a black mass. and by black mass I mean one of these all black baptist churches, preferably one with a bass player. and if the spirit moves me I am going to get baptized, I really dont want to piss anyone off at a church cause thats not how I roll, Id rather save that for one of other missions so we'll be kinda playing it by ear.

i have one other one that might suprise alex. I THINK wednesdays is Karaoke night at Frozen Paradise. This would win the gold medal for wackiness and for dangerousness. For you who dont know Frozen is an all black gangster club. Ive tried to go in once before and the cop at the door wouldnt let me go in cause he said that he could not gaurantee my safety and if i did i would be putting myself in harms way. meaning: some niggas gonna shoot me. Every year someone gets shot 100 times there, they try to shut it down but people cry racist and it stays. We might find out if its racist cause theres probably not a cop at the door on weds and I'm gonna try to sing a whitney houston song. another round of krunk juice?

PLANS

2005-06-21T00:57:00.000-04:00

1 Activity for Wednesday June 29th has been planned. We will be spending at least part of the day doing the following:

Yes, those smiling faces with eyes wide looking directly into a horrible watery death will be ours. We will be whitewater rafting the Natahala River in Bryson City NC in a 2 man "duckie". The Drive is about 6 hours each way so Im not sure if we'll really be doing much else that day, but I think we can do panning for gold and gem mining within a stones throw, so we'll see.

WEEK 2 - WALMART PHOTOSESSION & EAR CANDLING

2005-06-18T03:07:00.000-04:00

Pretty much like it sounds. We bought 4 dollar suits, turtle necks, and reading glasses and got our portriats done. it was ridiculous, we bought the clothes at goodwill and changed in the bathroom at walmart. there was some kindve strange 6 year old dressing a 5 year old situation happening when we walked into the bathroom. alex changed then I changed. as i was changing a large black man came into the stall beside me and was obviously removing tags from something to steal. the pictures wont be ready for 3 weeks, that is fucking bullshit but if youre friends with us you will shit yourselves when you see them.

later on, Mike from alex's work, and his friend um.. john or something walked over after playing tennis, arriving sweaty and stinky (good first impressions) and did ear candling with us. we took a bunch of video but it is truly stupid. 4 grown men laying on the ground with candles sticking out of their ears. Mike swears by this shit, but I dont think it did anything to any of us except some superficial clogging of our ears with candle wax. In fact I think Mike and "John" actually sustained some light injuries, either that or they are babies. I definately didnt feel or hear any different, i thought my stuffed up nose went away but i think it was because i was laying on my side on the floor for 20 minutes. I think its some kindve elaborate liberal hippie hoax.

week 3 will have full even coverage. were still taking suggestions as to what wacky things to do.

WEEK 1 - TANNING & GOLF

2005-06-18T02:43:00.000-04:00

note: Week 1 & 2 are before we planned to document this so the visuals will be sparse.

Not long after I woke Alex informed me that his then girlfriend Courtney and coworker Kelli were going to be going to the tanning salon at 4, we decided it would be funny if we went to the tanning bed and were coming out as they were coming in and we were just like "oh hey whats up nice to see you, gotta run" so we went. My watch is fast so we we were early and they were late so we didnt see them, but we did get a 10 minute tan at Endless Summer™ tanning salon on waters. I think I was hoping it would be funnier than it was, but from this was born the concept of Wacky Wednesdays. We dont really have any before and after pictures of the tanning salon, but it went something like this.



After we decided that Wednesdays would be ridiculous from there out we of course decided to go play golf. I happen to have golf clubs, theyre in our attic. I got them as a gift after I played golf for the first time and decided it was something I wanted to pick up, that didn't happen. Alex was apparently on some kindve a golf team as a youngster, it didn't show. We went to pintail creek on 17 and played 9 holes. We collectively lost about 20 balls. Alex never hit a drive in the air higher than about 5 feet, although he did hit a few long line drives, one of the not so long ones hit an old timey wooden fence 10 yards out and broke it. I struck out on the tee several times, alex was kind enough to grant me more attempts. I cant really remember alot of other funny things about this. So ill just put in the couple of pics we have.

WELCOME TO GOOD TIMES

2005-06-18T01:57:00.000-04:00

first post. off to the races. We're already 2 deep in Wacky Wednesdays. I will post a recap and a few pictures of the first ones. there isnt much to see really since we just decided to share this with the world.