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Thursday, July 21

WEEK 7 - COW MILKING & TEST DRIVES

this Wednesday started without a plan, a few of our options were weighed and we decided to start with milking a cow, and we would go from there. I happened to have happened on a local farm with some cows a couple of weeks ago when I got lost taking a back way to Wal-Mart and I recognized it from years earlier when I took a picture of a cow for a school project, what that project was escapes me, but I digress. Were on a milking mission, but could I remember the way to the farm? of course not. We got lost and meandered around the weird hidden west side of savannah for 30 minutes or so before we decided to use our phone a friend lifeline. Alex went with Dave. We called Dave up north and got him to map quest us directions, and found that I was actually on the right road, just going the wrong way.

we get to the farm, we hop out hollering hellos through the empty farm buildings and pastures but the only response was a few strange MOOs. Not to be deterred we located an adjacent building at the other end of the pasture. We drive over and find that its not just one building, its a confusing set of buildings something akin to a strange compound of sorts. Upon further inspection its some sortve plantation home for boys. I don't really understand what it is still but that's what it was. We went into the "education center" and knocked on the first available office. We were presented with a really normal looking 30 something secretary type lady who affirmed that the "home" owned the cows but also gave us some unfortunate information. These are beef cows, and they don't milk them, and no one was available to show us around. Feeling kindve embarrassed I tried to explain were just a couple of dudes that do dumb things on Wednesdays and I was met with a flatly confused and uninterested face with no response other than a slight head tilt. exit stage right.

We still hadn't decided what to do so we went back over to play with the cows. We tried to razz them a little bit, specifically I tried some of what I thought were farm-esque hollering techniques that had absolutely no effect on these cattle at all. Then I tried throwing pine cones, which also bounced off the walking jerky to no effect. Its really strange when there are 10 large animals starring directly at you and one just pees and poops while never even slightly averting its dead aimed animal-gaze at all. And, its not even like a regular pee like a person or a dog, but more like you were just dumping out a pitcher of piss on to the ground. weird. We did however find that some of the less hesitant cows would ignore the warning moos of the others, if we yanked up a large handfuls of tall grass on the other side of the fence and shake they would come over and eat out of our hands. We fed a few cows, tried to trick a few more to come over, but slowly they realized this was not some sortve special farm hand treat we were providing but instead the exact same grass they were already chomping on inside their wooden planked prison. I did actually get licked by a cow at one point, it sorta felt like a giant person tongue. We did the same thing to a horse which heeded our calls of "heeeyaaa" and fake treats faster, but also figured out our deceptive stratagem even faster than the cows did and returned to his ignoring people life by the far side of the fence. There were some bulls around that however completely ignored our handful-o'-weeds proposal. conclusion: cows are boring.

















We drove around semi aimlessly for awhile and discussed what we should do, then was hatched the plan to test drive a bunch of cars. And let me say this before I begin this part, it is really hard to convince a salesman that you're going to buy a car while you're sweaty and stinking like manure from walking around on a farm all morning, it just doesn't say "potential sale."

First car, Hummer H2. This one went hook line and sinker, easy as pie. We went in, asked for a brochure, procured some false "I'm so interested" faces and we had a salesman helping us in no time. Alex bullshitted a story about his parents buying him a car of any value as a graduation present, and just like that we were the proud new owners of the keys to a 06 H2. Dude said take it around the block. We went to Eckerd and took pictures. I will say, I am usually a big-time amer-I-CAN but I will say I felt like a complete dickhead in that car. its enormous. You are definitely the biggest dick in the pool driving one of these fuckers. Car returned, card got from the salesman so he didn't feel like he was wasting his time, and we were off to the next "whip."


Alex's tough hummer face..


my not so tough hummer face..


hummers are so fucking nessasary..


Alex parking.. maybe its cause its a tank, maybe its cause hes from florida..



The Chevy SSR was on our list. Its a weird car/truck/convertible/hardtop thing.



I asked a salesman if I could drive it and he said "haha can you afford it boy" (boy added to improve the dickhead good ole boy aspect of this mans personality) I said yes, when of course the answer was no but what the fuck does he know, and he didn't even move from his lawn chair outside his glorified trailer of a showroom. he said he would have to check with the manager etc etc they didn't want to put miles on it etc etc, its just funny that he would expect someone to buy a car without driving it. dumbass redneck. this ruined my buzz for a little bit. I even tried calling a manager to tell on them for being jerks but I kept getting the same salesman and hanging up on him. My motivation to continue didn't improve until i realized I had our theme song on a cd in the car, few times through and i was back ready for more.

We then went to a Volkswagen dealership and Alex with his minimal bullshit technique got the keys to a silly little convertible beetle. Drove that one around for a bit, that's a funny little car..







I think the inner gay in both of us dug it, just a fun silly ride, and that was pretty much that. Alex ended up having to give the guy his phone number and personal info and is definitely expecting a follow up call in the next few days even though he told the guy he's "not that close to buying" which is true considering he just got his new aveo less than a year ago, but its also a lie.

Off to the dodge dealership. I wanted to drive a magnum.



This is that badboy station wagon thing. I did a lot of bullshitting and in the end didn't even get to drive it, the 21 year old salesman drove it. he did however do some peel outs for us, and slammed on the gas to show us the power of a 341hp v8 in this man-wagon. He even cranked up some country to show me the sound system. If I was buying a new car I would honestly probably try to get one of these. I asked about driving the viper they had on the lot, and I was denied. Would you let sweaty shit stinking Tadd drive your 80 thousand dollar race car? me neither. My mom won't even let me drive her BMW. Bitch.

At this point I was feeling sortve dirty from telling 50 lies in an hour to these unsuspecting salesmen, but then I remembered what asses those guys at the Chevy dealership were, and just how shiesty these guys are in general, so again, I was fueled for more. Off to the Caddy dealer.

I full on convinced this guy I was going to buy an escalade, why not I'm hip and urban, and wingman Alex in his size XL BEAT SOUTH! shirt is the picture of money in the dirty. I had to really convince this guy I was going to buy something, before he gave me the keys. and He didn't just let me have the keys he rode with us, in the back. Damnit.





Why do I suck at getting unescorted test drives, and why is Alex genius at it. I have no idea. I apparently seem less trustworthy with an expensive automobile than Alex does. My mother was right. We got back and while feigning more interest in the ride, mr. salesman apparently flashed alex some skin while adjusting his outfit. he completely untucked his shirt and pulled out his pants, at which point alex claims to have experienced dealer flab. apparently for this salesman, wednesdays are "without underpants wednesdays." sexytimes indeed. A personal note to this man: We respect the ends that you will go to sell us an expensive rap-mobile and your commitment and dedication to your craft even when your methods of persuasion includes a money shot of your old man inner thigh. Big up dog.

This is getting boring to write so this will be shorter. I drive a 00' limited 4runner and I used to drive a '94, so I figure my best bet is to go to a Toyota dealership and drive a new 4runner, but again I fail at getting us on the road sans a chaperone even with my buyer loyalty on my side. motherfuckers, I lose.







Even while I was feeling a personal lack of accomplishment, we decide to go over to Sari's work at the working class studio where they're having some kindve a weird bbq and there's a graffiti artist David Ellis painting one of the old trucks that scad uses to haul around paintings and other crap.



He's painting it from 5am to 9pm everyday all week, and they're doing some kindve weird time lapse videoing of it. I guess its good but I really don't have a reference point on graffiti art other than a felony arrest for tagging a street sign when I was 17, so who's to say, it didn't look like much to me.





the charges were later reduced.

14 Comments:

  • first those pics of the cows are adorable. i love driving past that joint. second, i hate hummers with a passion, and of course i can expect you guys to go test drive one. nice job. third, remember that time i ghetto graffittis your door and went to jail? YESSSS

    By Blogger swirlogirl, at 8:58 PM  

  • yah didnt i pay your bail?


    AND brians bail?

    yes, i did. i am a hero.

    By Blogger TADD WEDNESDAY, at 10:33 PM  

  • and seriously look how small alex is in that sideview photo, its just totally ridiculous how big of an object that thing is..

    By Blogger TADD WEDNESDAY, at 10:34 PM  

  • Why do I suck at getting unescorted test drives...?



    COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE YOUR FACE (RE: PICTURE #23 BECAUSE BLOGGER DOES'T ALLOW IN-COMMENT IMAGES WHICH IS RIDICULOUS AND I HATE IT).

    By Blogger Brendan Cooney, at 10:44 PM  

  • bravo, this may be the best wednesday thus far!
    and i think the writing was hilarious!

    By Blogger skuttles, at 11:57 PM  

  • you're my sugar daddy bitch!

    By Blogger swirlogirl, at 12:05 PM  

  • i just got my picture and i love it! thank you!

    By Blogger swirlogirl, at 11:27 PM  

  • i've been hearing some people think this week wasnt that wacky, but did you read that tadd got licked by a cow and i stole a hummer to eckerds and then returned it?

    By Blogger ALEX WEDNESDAY, at 8:36 AM  

  • this week was totally wacky. its good that you found things to do that didnt cost you any money.

    im glad to hear that you got to test drive more vehicles after the hummer. i am also glad you called me to tell me about your activities while you were doing them. i felt so...elite? like i knew what you were doing before the internet world did!

    so, atlanta. please come! i am moving into a huge house and you can come visit. we have an ikea and i bet you could do some things there. i know how tadd loves ikea anyway.

    i had these pictures i wanted to post on here but it wont allow me so i am going to have to think of another way.

    By Blogger lovesick, at 12:22 PM  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger lovesick, at 12:22 PM  

  • http://yourealonehere.blogspot.com/2005/07/this-is-for-tadd-and-alex-because-i.html#comments

    okay so check that out guys. its the best i could do.

    By Blogger lovesick, at 12:31 PM  

  • look.. if you end up in a texas chainsaw massacre situation on one of these adventures... i won't say i told you so

    By Blogger swirlogirl, at 4:38 PM  

  • This is great.

    By Blogger Timmy, at 10:44 AM  

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