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Friday, July 1

WEEK 4 - FREE HAIRCUTS, LONG ASS DRIVE & WHITEWATER RAFTING



midnight, me and Alex get haircuts by Sari. Sari is not a licensed hair-doer, but she pretends to be. Alex went first. He received some kindve a morriseyesque pompadour with the addition of a rattail, basically she didn't cut the top at all and made it short everywhere else, it was kindve a Jewish flattop type look. to quote Sari "he looks crazy I like it" this is not something that everyone might want to hear from their stylist. after nearly 2 hours of Sari cutting the sides and back of Alex's hair one hair at a time, Alex went home, and I was next. I had emailed Sari a picture of the haircut I wanted, but she forgot it. after shaving the back of my head leaving me with some strange brand of bowl cut, and a few snips here and there I pretty much fired her and cut the rest myself. it doesn't really look good, it doesn't really look horrible. its just the same but shorter and I no longer posses the power of a mullet. but aside from losing a little street cred at the local nascar bar, I didn't really care. I go home, its 230ish. sleep.

7:40 am. the day started as I was expecting. After finally falling asleep after yelling at my retarded cat all nite to stop fucking with everything in my room I woke to Alex yelling to me to wake up 20 minutes before we needed to get on the road. There was a third going with us to tame the river wild, Mike from week 2 who engaged in ear candling with us. I called him 10 times before he answered/woke up he said he would be ready so we got ready and left to go to his house to pick him up. we called 5 more times and he rewoke up spent 15 minutes gathering belongings and joined us in the car 20 minutes after we got to his house. So were on the road 45 minutes behind schedule and making reservations as were driving. Mike went immediately to sleep which will be discussed in a section entitled Mike: The Travel Douche. the drive was uneventful and boring most of the trip, aside from a stop at a gasstaion/arbys, a couple of times to pull over and reference map quest directions, realizing that Mike thought my name was TED, and a couple of calls to check directions with the rafting place that gave us little to no insight whatsoever as to which direction we should go. 6 and half hours after driving through 3 states through the smokys to the appalachian trail we arrived in the Nantahala National Forrest.

We checked in at a gift shop that sold everything from rebel flag pins to ceramic eagles to rainbow colored visors that read "spoiled rotten", so we checked in paid our money bought a waterproof camera and ventured down the road to the Carolina outfitters' whitewater rafting hub. where we traded in our dignity for tightly strapped "personal flotation devices" (named so because there is no guarantee that it will save your life so "life preserver" is inappropriate) and eye glasses straps. We were greeted by an out of breath yet enthusiastic fat girl with no bra on. I only mention this cause it was gross and we all noticed it. She introduced us to our guide. Robert.



Robert is a late 30s hippie complete with beard, bad teeth, long stringy hair, crazy eyes, a tongue ring?, a pair of sunglasses attached around his neck, and a pair of sunglasses on his hat. Robert gave us the instructions and basic rules for rafting. this is the point where me and Alex realized he's gay, a gay hippie. Too many hand motions, girlish giggling, etc. Alex said he had gay eyes, I thought he had a gay mouth, either way this guy is a homo and its obvious. Even after his stories about leaving his life with the phone company, divorcing his wife, and becoming a kayaker because chicks dig kayaks he is still gay. at any rate as were getting the instructions, mike is freaking out, he's never been rafting and is literally scared even after being told by several different people that 8year olds have braved these rapids he is still scared and is debating getting a helmet. But he decides to go it alone on our training via gay hippie and his new knowledge of the "whitewater swimmers position."



we put in somewhere along the river, we took a couple pictures, smoked a cigarette, let a couple of old guys go before us, mike took a nervous pee behind a river map, and then we were off as it starts to rain. the river is a a class2/3 which isnt that intense, but definitely still crazy enough for our mild mannered Wednesday fun. a few girly splash fights, pushing each other into the river and were full on into the 8.5 mile trip. before the trip mike bought a little container to keep his cigarettes dry with so he could carry them with us. and yes it kept them dry from the river, but if you have never seen a man try to light and smoke a cigarette while totally exposed to hard rain its a sight to see. he smoked for about 5 seconds before the rain turned his smoke into a mush stick and broke it in half. nice try. later I bummed a smoke from him and somehow after navigating some rapids and getting my whole body wet my smoke remained. Apparently I have some kindve an instinctual cigarette protection skill to be admired and envied by men of all ages.






at the end of the river is a small "waterfall" its a 7ft gradual but quick drop with some huge boulders in it. mike sitting in the back in the "captain" position was at that point our rudder and controlled the direction of our raft. he of course directed us directly to one of the big rocks at the falls. our boat stops for a second, and then the water whips our boat around as the front pivots on a rock and we go down backwards. this is where the people that rented out boat to us are taking pictures of their groups as they get to the falls and fuck up. this is also the point where you're supposed to get to the side park your boat and leave. we were supposed to stop at the #3 take out area. we didn't see it, so we crapped out on the other side of the river, cause like 10 yards down is a class 6 rapids, and unridable by raft. our guide guy said he did it in a raft and the dynamited rocks at the bottom ripped out the entire bottom of his raft. so we furiously paddle to the side and narrowly avoid death.

us fucking up:



Death:



on the ride back to the place robert was giving us restaurant advice and in midsentence he honked the horn at some people on the side of the road, said "underage titties" and picked up his previous sentence where he left off. maybe he's not gay, maybe he's a pedophile. One other thing we found out about river hippies, they like to break down activities by "class", as our river is a 2/3, he described hiking, mountain biking, and other things by class. after we changed in he smallest changing rooms ever we proceeded to a restaurant for some class 1 burgers.

as we look over local travel brochures from everything from "Santa land" that has train and jet boat rides to rock city and ruby falls, our meal was abruptly stopped at the moment our waitress asked, "everything taste ok?" Mike got the weirdest look on his face and spit out a French fry into a napkin. he asked the waitress if the cook shit in his French fries and we all had a shocked look on our faces, our waitress slowly backed away. I thought he was probably completely overreacting and being a bit of a jerk, he offered it to us to smell. I smelled it. It was literally the single most horrifying smell I have ever smelled. It smelled like a plate of hot garbage and crackhead diarrhea. It was really really just nasty. Our waitress came back, smelled it herself and let out a loud squeal and pulled the collar of her shirt over her nose in horror, she then went to retrieve her manager. Manager came out, smelled it, was equally horrified, and mike said he couldn't pay for that cause it was so disgusting, so she offered him a discount. A discount on a mouth full off shit, Mike said he wasn't going to pay for any of it, and she agreed. Mike said later "ill take the discount if you eat it" too bad it was an hour after the fact.

back on the highway, Alex drove for a few hours, mike slept. the whole time. We stopped to get gas, get snacks, and switch drivers, and mike never woke up. back on the highway, and Alex went to sleep. I pull us into savannah just before 3. and Wacky Wednesday was complete.

one last thing, earlier I mentioned Mike: The Travel Douche, Im sure most of us have had the fortune to take a long drive with someone like him, so I have made a visual presentation for you to draw your own conclusions from. enjoy.



Oh and Mike got fired from his job today, so big up to him.

7 Comments:

  • you are now men.

    By Blogger swirlogirl, at 2:04 PM  

  • absolutely amazing. i cried i was laughing so hard.


    (people at the carnegie library are giving me looks, and a got a 'sshhhh')

    By Blogger amanda, at 2:49 PM  

  • where might i submit ideas for your wacky wednesday adventures?!!

    By Blogger steph, at 5:46 PM  

  • i say do it in the comments you ragamuffin!

    By Blogger swirlogirl, at 6:25 PM  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger Michael, at 6:31 PM  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger Michael, at 6:34 PM  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger TADD WEDNESDAY, at 11:28 AM  

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