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Friday, August 26

WEEEK 12 - TINY CHURCH & ARMY BASE BINGO

the day began with a plan that was changed as we were on our way out the door cause I was tired, but it still ended up at least a little bit wacky.

we set out on the road in search of the smallest church in America, lucky for us it was the first church we arrived at. its a little south of savannah on 95. this thing is no joke small. it has chairs for 8 people and a podium for a preacher. I don't think there's an actual congregation of 8 that gathers there, but they could. everything you need for a proper church service is there. bibles, hymn books, all the regular Christian paraphernalia. We signed the guest book and the prayer book. I wrote in the prayer book, "dear god, please bless Wednesdays" we'll see if the big skipper follows through. we explored the lil chez de haysoos and found some funny post cards and such, some of some recently dearly departed, one of the new pope, etc etc unfortunately nothing very wacky. But there was holy water available in a gloriusly ornate chalis, a chalis more appropriate to hand to a passing bike racer in need of some holy training wheels than for a babtism or blessing of some sort. There was a donation box on the side of the pulpit graced with a warning to all those would would dare to steal money that rightfully belongs to our lord and savior "please stop cutting this lock, if you steal from here you steal from the Christ". As not to upset the all knowest christman I made a donation of 7 cents for our brief stay. outside there's a small creek with a bunch of frogs, I tried unsuccessfully to catch one, I dunno what kinda frogs those were but they jumped far as hell and were fast, in addition to the frogs the area was also infested with mosquitoes that Alex was of course again ravaged by. We took a couple of pictures with Jesus, I rang the church bell and were blew that Jesus stand.













Our next stop, Bingo, not just any bingo, ARMY BASE BINGO. A brief search on the interweb clued us into the fact that there is bingo 7 days a week 5 til midnight at Hunter Army Airfield. indeed. when we arrive at the base we were immediately met with an MP that asked for our ids, then told us to go up to the next little building to confirm with them that these were indeed IDs. we drive up to it only to be accosted for driving up to it. A long situation of wrangling IDs, car insurance, registrations, etc we get our day pass from our cuddly military police friends. I was glad that was over with, I really felt like I was going to get arrested for some reason, the mood at the gates was definitely a serious one, I was totally having flashbacks to getting arrested and remembering how bad sitting in a shitty holding cell sucks.. we get a map to the bingo place and make it there along the 10mph roads winding past office after strangely labeled office and ridiculously bland buildings, past fences, hangars, and uniformed folks doing unspecified tasks. there wasn't really very many people there, probably because they're all doin some kinda war thing in the Iraq or whatever. finally we find the bingo building, and much to my surprise it wasn't just a building that bingo was being held in, it was an actual bingo specific building with a neon sign and everything. we were greeted by a friendly black lady who attempted to explain to us the type of mechanical bingo that was goin on at the moment. POWER TOUCH lightning bingo. I really still don't understand the games even after playing it, but she went over and over it with us repeating herself several times and giving us a sheet to read. I was defiantly left thinking, "are you sure this is bingo? I don't want to go to Iraq" but anyways were in, its a sortve ballroom (that you're allowed to smoke in) and these machines are attached to the table. this is definitely different than regular bingo, you don't really get a BINGO you have to match certain darkened squares. we paid 10 bucks each, that's your buy in, and that's what you have to wager with. its really just gambling, which I thought was illegal in ga, but I guess on govt property its ok, if you have bombs you can do whatever you want. I won one of the first games and got a taste of success and was instantly addicted. I have a history of video game based addiction in my past which we don't really need to go into but in any case we played and played. we slowly wore down our reserves to 0 as we folded to the old bags who were playing lots of cards at once. I decided I was gonna go in again and try and make some big bucks, daddy needs a new black t-shirt. I bought another 10 bucks worth of credit to wager with which I quickly depleted until the last hand when I recovered my second 10 bucks plus $1.40, I won about 4 times or so over the whole playing, alex coming in at a quaint 0 wins. so I guess I am the victor at bingo coming it at a cool -$8.60 and alex at -$10.00. Im not really going to rub this one in dudes face cause it is completely ridiculous. its like slots except youre taking your opponents money. on our way out we didnt really use the map, and we ended up taking a really extended tour of the base which i will illustrate using the map below. but we drove around aimlessly for a good long while, winding around through the desolate complex through construction sites and passing many a restricted permission only sites. I wanted to stop and find out where the ufos are but we found the exit soon enough. we waved to an apathetic mp gate gaurd who gave us a pretty intense 'i could care less if youre waving at me right now' look to bid us a fond adeui












the way in to bingo..


the way out from bingo..


and please, don't forget..

Tuesday, August 23

WEEK 11 - SENIOR LUNCH, WILD ANIMALS, WATER TASTE TEST

whew, sorry for the late update, but we've been busy so here we go.

we decided a hearty lunch might be the way to begin a jam packed wednesday and where else can you get exactly the food you want than a cafeteria. S & S Cafeteria smells like ointment upon entering, likely due to the steady flow of over 80 customers. there's nothing like a good early bird deal. so we roll up to the line and marvel at the amazing selection of good eats, all of which look sort of the same. just a bunch of low country grub with gravy all over it. while pondering our choices, the store manager comes over and hassles tadd about his camera, thinking he may work with a competing cafeteria. tadd politely responded that he did not work for or plan to work any such establishment. satisfied, the manager left and we continued deciding on what slop to order. we make our selections of beef stew + sides and chop steak + sides and mosey to our fake leather booth. now this place is odd. the main seating area looks like a cheap hotel lobby with giant silk plants, huge unnecessary columns and mid '80s wallpaper and artwork. they also have a funny little "kid corner" where presumably grandparents can send their grandkids while they're visiting with friends and neighbors. damn grandkids. we finish and go to pay where the cashier is barricaded near the exit. it's set up like a bank teller with money slot and talking through plexiglass with a tiny hole in it. weird. they also have a bunch of security cameras; i can't imagine this place getting robbed that often, so i'm thinking some folks go a little crazy over the lunchtime specials and will fight tooth and nail to get the last scoop of mac 'n cheese.









our appetites somewhat fulfilled, we head out to oatland to hang out with nature. this place is little preserve out toward the islands near here with random animals in netted areas for people to hang out with. after we register and pay (thanks tadd!) and put on our official "visitor" tags, we step outside and chill with some owls for a minute and then onto the path and begin with the avian area. owls are so weird looking, i almost think they shouldnt be birds in the same way bats arent birds. they just look so...i dont know, bizarre. anyways, the avian area basically means pelicans and sea gulls. the other birds listed were MIA, maybe they got out or something. the pelicans just stared at us as they ate rotting fish and the sea gulls were boring, probably not sure why they were standing in mud and not on a beach. i was confused at least. and just for the record pelicans are weird looking also, i don't understand them.

we exit and follow the path toward the florida panther. let me remind everyone in case you havent noticed from our bitching each week, but it's HOT in georgia this time of year. which makes us a ton of fun, and more importantly, it made the animals way fun too. the one panther we saw just laid there, panting desperately the whole time. it was too hot and tired to care that we were shouting "HEY PANTHER! YOU! GET OVER HERE!" so not only did the panther not respond but it only served to make us sweatier. onto the bobcats. the trail winds out into this marsh as it makes its way to the rest of the preserve and has this funny little expanded boardwalk area. what better place to break dance our cares away?








the bobcat was just as exciting as the panther. yawn. i dont think we even got a good picture of it. so we just kept going toward the fox pen. tadd affectionately describes foxes as "cat-dogs" and all i can think of was that weird show on nickelodeon with that half cat half dog thing. what was that show called? anyhow, i like foxes. they look so neat i wish they were domesticated. but they also suffered from the extreme heat and were thusly also extreme fun. onward to the predatory birds. here they have hawks and big owls and stuff but the most exciting birds were the bald eagles. we heard them yelling and cawing as we walked up the path but they hushed up when we approached. as you might expect, they continued their chorus after we left. but they were pretty sweet. i had never seen one in real life before. i have also never seen a bigfoot in real life before, but i spotted what looked to be a patch of bigfoot hair snagged on the boardwalk. tadd was not convinced. i've seen "harry and the hendersons" on more than on occassion to know what bigfoot hair looks like.




we pass by the deer quickly 'cause we've all hit one with our cars before...vetoed...and make our way to the bear. i didnt catch what kind of bear it was, but it looked to be young and also suffering in the heat. but at least it moved and made our animal quest a bit more fun. but what tadd had the most fun with were the wolves. they were laying around all sunburned out and tadd starts hollering and running along the pen area and what began with two visible wolves turned to seven or so as they followed tadd along the siding. one whimpered which tadd took as a sign it wanted to play, but i think it was whimpering because tadd was out of mauling range. we continue past the buffalo sort of quickly, tired and not incredibly impressed and end up at the main building.




we decide to just leave but on the way out find the barnyard area and i pull off the road and we run over. just in time actually because it turned out to be feeding time! a pretty nice lady, or at the very least tolerant of us, showed up with a bag of grapes and other random mush for the pigs. we fed the grapes to a donkey and some goats while the sheep and cow just hung out. tadd lost his craving for meat after sharing a moment with the cow but then lost his love when he realized the cow made his hands completely filthy. we ventured around and hassled this funny vietnamese potbellied pig that squealed when you talked to it. it was sleeping when we approached so i think it was just yelling at us to leave with every taunt we hurled at it. it was almost like conversation, "hey pig" "SQUUEEEE" "whoa" "SQUEEEEEE" "chill out pig" "SQUEEEEEEEEEE." but man this pig was huge and wrinkly and ugly. i loved it. the other pig they had was grumpy's complete opposite in that it was the tiniest pig ive ever seen, but was warned by the sign on its little hut that it bites. the feeding lady gave the pig his slop and we got taunted by some turkey's. after seeing the bald eagle, i have no idea why ben franklin thought the turkey was cooler. goddam fool.






finally we leave, sweaty and tired and stop to get some drinks. drinking his evian tadd swears he can taste the difference between evian and every other water. i call bullshit on him because IT'S WATER. no ingredients, nothing, just water. i suppose how it's purified can affect taste but whatever, its negligible. so to test our abilities we purchase five different brands of bottled water and set up a blind taste test at our apartment. we do a quick sampling and i pour five cups of water for the test. tadd begins, sipping and swishing and trying to decide from evian, dasani, saratoga springs, fiji, and springtime. booyah! he doesnt get the evian and i'm satisfied. he did get one correct and each successive attempt he got another water until all five we chosen. my turn. i do my tasting, and take some time in making my choices because i'm less confident in my proficiency to distinguish between a single ingredient beverage. so i get them all wrong. bah! second try, nailed 'em. wasn't easy and i'm going to hand some credit to dumb luck that i got them.





the end.

Saturday, August 13

FREE FINGER ACCESSORIES

As is becoming tradition, I will now offer up for our beautiful readers any of the stuff we won at the arcade.



choose any combination of finger traps, jelly rings, and prosthetic finger tips with red nails, your gift will be accompanied by a letter of encouragment signed by your faithfuly wacky servants.

*WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!*

just email one of us with your address and we'll send it out asap.

Tadd@newdesignfront.com or Alex@superassociates.net

WEEK 10 - GO KARTS, ROCK CLIMBING, SUPER SLIDE, EURO BUNGEE, BATTING CAGES AND SCUPPERNONGS.

first off an apology is in order for the unexpected lack of wackiness last week. competing schedules, and a bunch of work made for a day completely uncondusive for wacky times. and also this one is kinda late cause I haven't had time enough to write it, but at any rate, here we go.



The day started off easy enough with a roommate feud from room to room over instant messenger. Issues discussed included, toilet paper purchasing, house cleaning, dirty dishes, and girlfriend/broham time management skills. Our nonconfrontational confrontation was resolved well enough to get the day underway. On a side note, we saw at the stop at the bank on the way out we saw the smallest car Ive personally ever seen, anyways. We had decided to go to the beaufort fun park. Its a little tiny like recreational place type thing, its got a bunch of stuff to do but its all geared towards really young kids and good wholesome families. So yeah, we fit right in. We enter through the arcade and immediately we realize after approaching the counter, that Alex forgot the 2 for 1 tickets we printed off their website, we were denied even after pleading our case, so this will be a full priced affair, fortunately the most expensive thing you can do here is $5.50.



Activity one: go karts. We are nearly alone at this place, but when we get over to go karts we had to wait through a couple of little kids racing on the track cause the big kids aka me and Alex aka grown men, cant race in the big kid cars with the little kid cars. Finally its our turn. Alex beats me at a round of roshambo as his scissors slice my paper with ease and he earns the right to the car in front. He leads the race for at least the first half of our laps around, then I take the inside and lead for the last half and Alex spend the rest of the race attempting Georgia highway patrol brand pit maneuvers on my car and just generally bashing me around to the dismay of the track employees that included a fat sweaty child molester type dude. At any rate I get the checker flag, and hive decided to keep score this Wednesday so ill give myself one point.







Activity two: batting cages. There isn't much to say about this one. Small helmets, short bats, 50 mph balls. I hit more than Alex did so I'll give myself another point.





Activity three: euro bungee. This thing is kinda weird, its 2 long fiberglass twigs that attach to straps that in turn attach to a crotch scrunching harness. And you just basically jump up and down on an inflatable trampoline thing and it sends you flying up in the air. I unfortunately wasn’t able to do this one cause they said I was too fat. Motherfuckers. 5 minutes of crotch scrunching, uncomfortable laughter, Alex falling off the trampoline at the end, and a story about how the fiberglass twigs once snapped and nearly killed 2 people knocking one unconsious, and Alex has earned the only uncontested point of the day. But on my girth's behalf I will also grant a point to the McDonald's® Dollar Menu™.









Activity Four: Rock climbing. They have one of these portable rock walls set up there, and I was on the weight limit for this one as well, but the lady said she’d let me anyways, thanks lady. We get set and decide to race up the thing. We get our crotches smushed into harnesses again and we’re off to the races. It was going well until I got about half way up and realized I didn’t have anything bigger than a grape to grab onto with my left hand and I just kinda hung out there for a bit until Alex got to the top. So another point to Alex for getting to the top first, but I will give myself a point also for being the first to the ground. My fingers still trembling with stress of holding up my apparently ginormous self it was off to the next activity.







Activity five: super slide. The super slide is this huge inflatable slide thing. It was now I realized that nearly everything in this bumblefuck park was either inflatable or portable in someway. Anyways we go up and do the slide. You’ll notice that in the first picture unbeknownst to Alex, I am about a second away from shoving him across the slide into the corner where he met with stagnant stinking water from rain from weeks previous that left him with wet pants and feets. The second time we went down Alex went down kinda feet firstish and rolled down the bottom part, on suggestion from the lady working the slide, I go down head first on my back, and at the first bump I get tossed and basically give myself a powerbomb at the bottom part and I go flailing down the rest of it. Point to Me due to Alex’s wet jeans. Alex then relieved himself of his socks and we began the homestretch.







Activity Six: ticket time. We went back into the arcade and some of you might or might not know that me and Alex are somewhat expert at ticket procuring arcade games. We played some ski ball, wheel of tickets, alien ball mouth thing and a bunch of other stuff. One in particular I saw Alex playing was thing one where you put a token in and it drops a bouncy ball down onto a moving wheel with holes in it, the holes are labeled with numbers that correspond to the number of tickets you get. I got a 50 and several 25s, Alex got a one and a five, and a one. Point to me for having the highest GTP (gross ticket product). Before we cashed in our tickets we had our picture done in a little stand up photo booth thing where it tricks you into thinking that a shitty black and white print out is actually a sketch of you done by a renaissance master, I think we chose Raphael, but I cant really remember. The picture came out bad, you can see me pretty good but Alex is but a ghostly shell of himself. Point to me for not being a vampire. We then traded in our 275 tickets for 6 Chinese finger traps, a shitload of jelly rings, and 2 plastic prosthetic fingertips with red painted fingernails. We said our byes to the high school ladies that had been escorting us through our family style fun and exited.






On the way home I decided I wanted to stop at one of those roadside melon stands so we did just that. I bought a bag of scuppernongs which I promptly spilled all over the ground 3 seconds post-purchase, and a cantaloupe. Point to me for buying scuppernongs from a weird black guy on the side of the road.





That’s about it for this week. Here are the final standings,*I have deducted one point from Alex's total for forgetting the coupons.

Alex: 1
tadd: 7
McDonald's® Dollar Menu™: 1